By Qistina Ellysha Rashid 

For Him

I figured that entering university would be a new start for me. I’d get to be someone new to everyone. I’d get to try again and become someone better than I was before. Stepping into university, I never thought to meet anyone special. My mind was set to experience new things and to put myself out there. There’s this saying my friend once told me, “You don’t find love, love finds you. Who is meant to be, will be there. One day.”. Yeah, it sounds cheesy and would probably make some snicker, which is exactly my reaction when I first heard it. It sounded totally unrealistic.

Unknown to me, the universe was out to prove me wrong. I met him.

Having just enrolled at HELP University, I was on the lookout for some extracurricular activities to fill my time. Out of the many things offered, HMC Leads caught my attention. I took a chance, sent in my resume, and fortunately got accepted to be a part of the team. I remember being full of enthusiasm and joy, looking forward to all the people I’d meet. But it all changed quickly the minute I laid my eyes on him. Now, hear me out. I’m not one to fall for typical love stories. In fact, I find them absolutely cringy and gross. But at that moment, it felt like the world stopped moving, and all I could focus on was him.

Who is this dude? Why is everyone so excited and cheering for him? How did he make me feel like I was in a Taylor Swift music video? So many questions running in my mind as he walked towards the front of the class and started talking. And man… when I tell you that it felt like my heart stopped beating (I know it’s completely unrealistic right now), it really felt that way. His name, his smile, his voice, and everything about him just made sense. That includes him literally being the vice-president of LEADS.

I found myself being more attracted to him the more we had to work together. I hated this, and my pride was hurt for falling hopelessly for someone like this. He’s just such a great person – the way he carried himself, his sense of duty, and his intelligence. Sure, I had a few opportunities to work with him, but nothing ever escalated. I never went for it, and he obviously didn’t either. Looking back, I wish I had done something about it because all I have now are memories and regrets.

This is personally repulsive for me to say; I might even sound dumb and delusional but honestly, he was perfect to me. As time went by, I found myself looking at him as the epitome of who I want to or should be with. It’s crazy to think that we weren’t even friends; we were just aware of each other’s presence. Yes, we partnered on several occasions, but that’s all there was to it. Yet he had so much of an impact on my life. It’s just ridiculous to think about it. He taught me many things, like wanting to be a better person for myself, he was my motivation to study harder just so that I could be on his level of intellect, he taught me to have fun even when my world was crashing down, but the most significant takeaway was that he taught me what love was, and how to let go of it.

It took me years to get over him, but I can safely say now that I no longer love him. He still means a lot to me, and I occasionally wonder what he’s up to, but I’ll allow myself to only go that far. I fear that I may end up hurting myself.

Do I have regrets for not doing anything? Kind of. Would I have done something about it if I had had the opportunity? Probably not. Of course, he is everything I ever wanted, but I believe we met for a reason. I hope he’s content and lives life the way he wants. He is his own man after all, so he’ll survive. I’ll survive here too.

For Her

I think I’m one of the lucky ones. Life has been easy for me. I grew up in a decent household and was surrounded by friends who have grown up with me. Sure, there have been times when I found things difficult, but nothing was ever too complex for me to the point where I couldn’t handle them.

Nonetheless, entering university was a big scary step for me. I didn’t know what to expect and was afraid of anything that would be out of my element. I decided that it was best if I were to be active in extracurricular activities, so I went ahead and signed up for HMC LEADS. Months passed by and in a blink on an eye, I was already in my last semester of FIA as well as serving as the vice-president of LEADS. Not sure how that happened, but I certainly felt blessed.

People come and go but the memories last a lifetime. Meeting a variety of people and building amazing connections was one of the benefits of joining LEADS. I recall meeting this girl. She’s quite odd because I recall her constantly staring at me during the LEADS orientation. I wonder if I had met her previously. Not one to be concerned with trivial matters, I decided to brush it off, thinking that she’d approach me if we did know each other. She never did.

She went on with her business, and so did I. It was weird that I remember her and this situation explicitly. I do recall some events when we had to work together, and a couple of times where we spoke briefly, but nothing more. It was either a brief encounter relating to work or nothing at all. We never even exchanged smiles as we went past by each other on campus.

I did notice her, though. She was not a big deal or anything like that, but it was strange that I felt like we had a connection of sort. It was bizarre. I felt that she was not the kind of person you would think of all the time, but as soon as you did, you would think of all the things that you wanted to do with her. I couldn’t help but went over all our encounters sometimes.

I just felt like writing about her today. It was one of those days when memories of my HMC days came rushing back. I sincerely hope she’s doing well. She probably doesn’t even remember me, and I’m just overthinking our encounters. It’s been years since I last saw her. She has probably graduated. I wonder what she’s up to. She’s quite humorous, I’d say. I recall one of our lecturers making a lame joke about April Fools, to which she fired back, “That’s so funny I forgot to laugh”. I distinctly remember bursting into laughter with everyone, but it felt like we were the only ones in the room when we locked eyes.

Perhaps I should’ve spent more time getting to know her. She looks like someone you don’t mind keeping in your life, someone who’s sincere about things, and someone who will look after you. Having said that, it is not like she has made a big impact in my life, so I don’t know why I’m going off about her. She’s just a wholesome memory, I suppose. Whatever it is, I hope she’s happy and is doing alright.