By Phan Li Shuen
Once upon a lifetime, Life said to Death.
How can it be that you like darkness and wish to stay this way?
But I am not darker than you are brighter, so hush it.
Death said numbly to Life, then a shocked one Life was.
Farewell, Death, this was your last chance to tell me you are sorry.
Life rushed out the white room and stayed with the sadness that overcame.
Death could not help but shrug and felt lonelier than yesterday.
What changed? I thought to myself, as chaos hums its beat.
It had never been this way before.
Hushes and chances ringed in my ears, battling for who shall stay.
I wonder if life and death are at it again, I am tired for today.
I am so humbled to be here for my friends, who I have met since the first day.
The school of Foundation Studies welcomed many students with hurray.
I came in my mind to the white room and whispered, hey, any thoughts?
Two fellows rushed in and shouted, “Hear me!”
They spoke together.
Death: Take your life away and give it up.
Life: Save yourself from the depths of your anxiety and despair.
I sighed a heavy one and shadows loom on my back.
I listened to the first. I am exhausted. I cannot begin to care right now.
I went out the white room and burst into tears because I must now face the hard
times.
“Look what you have done, Death, he is close to dying now!”
Life hurried away with a frown and stayed close to the white room.
Life put its glowing palms on the floor of the room, filled with tension.
Please look at me and tell me that you recognise me for who I am.
I woke up again with the sun on time, looked in the mirror and thought, “Oh my.”
I must have died a thousand deaths, my tears felt empty and sad.
I laughed to myself, what could go wrong and worse?
“Exactly,” I heard, boomed from the white room.
Today I hopped on the train with my two best selves, no words spoken.
Arriving at the station I looked at my watch. It was time.
The swell in my eyes and vision surprised my friends for the first time.
All came huddled around me and asked me if I was alright.
I sobbed to them and spilled my heart, no I am not alright.
Hugs were given and softly, the chimes of many voices run.
“What is happening to you?” one said. I replied, goodnight.
Is this a joke? We were worried, tell us all about it.
I have no hope, friend, I have chosen to kill myself.
No! You must not, for you live in many hearts.
What? I blushed, dare not to hear the words that terrify.
This abstract of mind, of poem, is making me weak and strong.
Both at the same time, I planned my death and life to greet me at the door.
Here goes nothing, “White room, open up please,” as I close my eyes.
I entered my mind; I have been here before, once upon a lifetime.
Where are you, life, and death? Any words for me before I go?
Death: It is time, do you have any regrets?
Life: I’m sad for you, but it seems like death has won this round again.
Yes, my life, you are my favourite one. But..
I am tired. I must go to bed. No one must see me enter the void.
And then I killed myself.
–
Decisions were made that day, both altering and moving the course.
The course of life, once upon a time.
Here I am narrating, I decided to change the course.
Today is the present time, not that day of hushes and chances.
Today is the present time, the first time Life and Death are friends.
The white room is like a vibrant kaleidoscope of colours, a washing waterfall.
The death I died that day was the death of the old me, in past time.
My experiences from HELP navigated me through the dying of many deaths.
In one way or another, I gave up many times.
Especially in this pandemic, there were many stories I wanted to tell in my own mind to my past self.
Now, I am proud to say I am brave enough to ‘die’, to fail over and over again.
Because what matters is that I can get up and live.
I am no longer afraid to die a thousand deaths.
Life and death hand in hand, enter the kaleidoscope, once called the white room.
Death said, “This round, it is Life’s turn to take the wheel.”
It is time.
https://www.artmajeur.com/en/carole-ledoux053/artworks/13974059/kaleidoscope-kl27
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